Happiness, fulfillment, and purpose in life are all inner concepts. If you don’t have inner peace and serenity, then you have nothing….
Very much lacked this last night. I lost my cool…. At the time my daughter needed me most… I lost it. Let me set the record straight: I did not hurt anyone or me… I just am ashamed at how much emotion I let into my discipline last night.
Joelle has had a few major shifts for her little personality to take in these last few weeks: brand new day home (she was in her last one for a year), new top molars coming, and a hard working papa, and a mamma with hormones raging.
Not sure why or even how the “Tantrum” started. (That’s right it has a capital T… believe me it earned the “T”). It was crazy… biting, running, hitting, flailing, kicking, and screaming…if some gagging.
It lasted two hours…
i may or may not have made some silly comments/threats…. i may or may not have lost my cool once… to keep her safe I shut the door of a room she was in…
water calms her down….
i tried filling the tub once… this sent her into even crazier hysterics… she climbed in unplugged it and climbed out and ran and screamed…
filled the tub again… got her in… and instant the magic of water calmed her. After this point she was my little buddy again… we cuddled, we hugged, we said sorry, we snuggled… and then she whispered heartbreaking words, “… i miss my papa.”
i was in pretty desperate need last night and felt completely alone… hindsight…. What stopped me from crying out to Jesus for help…? I could have used a miracle… or just a touch of grace.
What stops me from doing this daily?
this last Sunday I led our service and hosted a discussion on Jesus and his power… yeah He was a great teacher, leader, father, and friend….but something we usually forget or leave to elementary age Sunday school is that He was and is a great healer.
Now… I am not a crazed revival personality wanting to heal the world but should what is my role… if I am in relationship with Jesus… if He is my teacher, father, friend and leader is He not my healer too.
WEIRD…. it weird’s me out… but also gives me butterflies. Why is it so easy for other nationalities to have faith… even in a God they do not worship… some might ponder it is lack of resources. But… there are foreign countries that have GREAT faith and GREAT resources.
i can only speak to me… and my life experiences… but could it be that I am more shaped by western individualism and rights then I would love to let on. we have it together… I can talk about the faux pas of someone’s outfit or decorating choices (we all do it) with ease… but there are definite boundaries that I need to shatter before I would tell someone I might be struggling being a mom, or I am depressed, that my marriage sucks (hypothetical or not) this would mean to be admitting to our fellow individualists that we can’t make it on our own, that I don’t have the resources to make it… that I (insert GASP here) might need help. Not help from a doctor or therapist… but community, support and even/or divine intervention…
so i ask myself again… why not ask Jesus to snap Joelle out of her MAYHEM… was it my stubbornness…. Even if I could not ask myself… why not get my mom, friend or husband to come along and advocate when my voice is silent…. Was it my self expectation?
Let me be real… let YOU be my inner peace… without you I AM NOTHING!!!
p.s. Joelle and I are both alive and well this morning.
oh julie, that sounded horrible! your not alone in the saying and doing regretful things when tantruming is occurring and i have never been through a 2 hour one!
ReplyDeletemike must have loved the i miss papa part....ahhh
i agree about the whole being individual thing in western culture. i soo wish we have real communities to help raise our kids. and i guess we do, they are just shaped different and require more creative thinking then just running to the commune neighbour and saying help!
i also need to invite jesus into my conflicts, hardtimes and goodtimes more often. He can shoulder the burden, the struggle, the tantrum...i cannot. weird why we forgot that so often.
good post. sorry about the bad bad night. joelle is a super kid, jsut going through a lot!
hugs
Hugs to you buddy! I have had many of those nights and I have cried to Chris many times that I am not fit to mother a toddler because I turn into some psycho monster. Sometimes we need time-outs too...and a huge dose of grace for ourselves and our kids. It is very hard when the other parent is gone a lot because you can't just take 10. Many times when Chris wakes up I just leave for an hour. Or if things are going really bad and we are still many hours from Chris waking up I have just made sure the living room was safe for him and locked myself in the bathroom and taken a quick bath. I just tell him we need a time out and to restart. Now sometimes he even tells me "restart" lol It is a must. You can't do that with Mike's current schedule but there are a lot of people who love you guys that would be more than happy to take her for a couple hours (me me me!). Biggest thing I have learned in 2.5 years is you CANNOT do it on your own and sometimes you have to put your pride down and ask for help.
ReplyDeleteThanks for always being so open and real and you are an awesome mommy!